I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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