We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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