Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just gargled with NyQuil
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
