the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
