john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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