By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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