"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
