he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
