out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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