The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
