She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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