Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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