omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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