I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
