i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
