I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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