Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
