I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
