i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
