I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
