is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
