My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize