About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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