it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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