But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
