I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
