I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
