Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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