dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
