omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
