Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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