I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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