the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
His nipple licking is glorious
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
