So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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