i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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