After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
