His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
