I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
