come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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