i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
