What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
