How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
