I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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