I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
