Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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