Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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