it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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