Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
