Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
