he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
