I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize