At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
