she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
