My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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