I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
