it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
MIDGETS
????
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
