porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
