i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
