Sponge bath it is.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
