but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
