I cut my penus on the lid.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
