It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
