there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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