Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
