My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
