I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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