i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
