If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize