Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize